so, i'm a liar.
i accept this.
every time someone asks me if something is wrong and i say no, i'm lying.
i conceal so much from the world that i've forgotten that it's bad to do so.
concealing ... repression. it's all the same.
and i do it daily.
i smile because i prefer to make everyone else happy before myself.
fuck a fedora.
i'm too curious for my own good.
i always want to know.
that's what's lurking.
it's in my mind.
i call him/it neebles.
neebles wants what he can not have.
neebles ruins everything, just to know what it's worth.
i can't explain neebles. he just popped in.
i wish neebles would leave. i'm happy, or so i thought.
maybe he'll leave when i actually AM happy?
yarrrrrrrr.
repress repress represss
Wednesday, September 17
Tuesday, September 9
penny lane.
WHAT THE FUCK.
i'm in pain.
i am suffering.
yet i refuse to get help.
i am incompetent.
i feel like shit.
i can't think straight.
i can't tell the difference between reality and a dream.
never really could.
you aren't listening.
people have it worse.
that doesn't change the fact that i'm still in pain.
my mom doesn't care.
my counselor thinks i'm too stupid.
i will probably not amount to anything ...
because i lack ambition.
frustrated.
i walked home today, cleared my mind.
made me think ...
what if this is it?
what if these are the signs that i'm finally about to die?
i've been sick before.
everytime, it's serious.
has death finally gotten it's grip on me?
mhm. me thinks.
i'm not giving up
but i won't fight the inevitable.
fatalism?
don't call it a comeback.
i'm in pain.
i am suffering.
yet i refuse to get help.
i am incompetent.
i feel like shit.
i can't think straight.
i can't tell the difference between reality and a dream.
never really could.
you aren't listening.
people have it worse.
that doesn't change the fact that i'm still in pain.
my mom doesn't care.
my counselor thinks i'm too stupid.
i will probably not amount to anything ...
because i lack ambition.
frustrated.
i walked home today, cleared my mind.
made me think ...
what if this is it?
what if these are the signs that i'm finally about to die?
i've been sick before.
everytime, it's serious.
has death finally gotten it's grip on me?
mhm. me thinks.
i'm not giving up
but i won't fight the inevitable.
fatalism?
don't call it a comeback.
Friday, September 5
choux pastry heart.
i need to blog.
but i can't right now.
so, i leave you with a poem.
it's from 'the perks of being a wallflower'.
the main character charlie loved the poem, although he did not know the author, or when it was written or anything about it.
once on a yellow piece of paper with green lines, he wrote a poem
and he called it 'chops' because that was the name of his dog
and that's what it was all about
and his teacher gave him an 'a' and a gold star
and his mother hung it on the kitchen door and read it to his aunts.
that was the year Father Tracy took all the kids to the zoo
and he let them sing on the bus
and his little sister was born with tiny toenails and no hair
and his mother and father kissed a lot
and the girl around the corner sent him a valentine signed with a row of x's
-and he had to ask his father what the x's meant
and his father always tucked him in bed at night
and was always there to do it
once on a piece of white paper with blue lines he wrote a poem
and he called it 'autumn' because that was the name of the season
and that's what it was all about
and his teacher gave him an 'a' and asked him to write more clearly
and his mother never hung it on the kitchen door because of its new paint
and the kids told him that Father Tracy smoked cigars
and left butts on the pews
that was the year his sister got glasses with thick lenses and black frames
and the girl around the corner laughed when he asked her to go see Santa Claus
and the kids told him why his mother and father kissed a lot
and his father never tucked him in bed at night
and his father got mad when he cried for him to do it.
once upon a paper torn from his notebook, he wrote a poem
and he called it 'innocence: a question" because that was the question about his girl
and that's what it was all about
and his professor gave him an 'a' and a steady strange look
and his mother never hung it on the kitchen door because he never showed her
that was the year Father Tracy died
and he forgot how the end of the apostle's creed went
and he caught his sister making out on the back porch
and his mother and father never kissed, or even talked
and the girl around the corner wore too much makeup
that made him cough when he kissed her
- but he kissed her anyway
-- because that was the thing to do
and at three a.m. he tucked himself soundly into bed, his father snoring soundly.
that's why on the back of a brown paper bag, he tried another poem
and he called it 'absolutely nothing'
because that's what it was really all about
and he gave himself an 'a'
and a slash on each damned wrist
and he hung it on the bathroom door
- because this time, he didn't think he could reach the kitchen.
but i can't right now.
so, i leave you with a poem.
it's from 'the perks of being a wallflower'.
the main character charlie loved the poem, although he did not know the author, or when it was written or anything about it.
once on a yellow piece of paper with green lines, he wrote a poem
and he called it 'chops' because that was the name of his dog
and that's what it was all about
and his teacher gave him an 'a' and a gold star
and his mother hung it on the kitchen door and read it to his aunts.
that was the year Father Tracy took all the kids to the zoo
and he let them sing on the bus
and his little sister was born with tiny toenails and no hair
and his mother and father kissed a lot
and the girl around the corner sent him a valentine signed with a row of x's
-and he had to ask his father what the x's meant
and his father always tucked him in bed at night
and was always there to do it
once on a piece of white paper with blue lines he wrote a poem
and he called it 'autumn' because that was the name of the season
and that's what it was all about
and his teacher gave him an 'a' and asked him to write more clearly
and his mother never hung it on the kitchen door because of its new paint
and the kids told him that Father Tracy smoked cigars
and left butts on the pews
that was the year his sister got glasses with thick lenses and black frames
and the girl around the corner laughed when he asked her to go see Santa Claus
and the kids told him why his mother and father kissed a lot
and his father never tucked him in bed at night
and his father got mad when he cried for him to do it.
once upon a paper torn from his notebook, he wrote a poem
and he called it 'innocence: a question" because that was the question about his girl
and that's what it was all about
and his professor gave him an 'a' and a steady strange look
and his mother never hung it on the kitchen door because he never showed her
that was the year Father Tracy died
and he forgot how the end of the apostle's creed went
and he caught his sister making out on the back porch
and his mother and father never kissed, or even talked
and the girl around the corner wore too much makeup
that made him cough when he kissed her
- but he kissed her anyway
-- because that was the thing to do
and at three a.m. he tucked himself soundly into bed, his father snoring soundly.
that's why on the back of a brown paper bag, he tried another poem
and he called it 'absolutely nothing'
because that's what it was really all about
and he gave himself an 'a'
and a slash on each damned wrist
and he hung it on the bathroom door
- because this time, he didn't think he could reach the kitchen.
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