I can't explain my actions anymore.
And this is about to get extremely personal - to a degree that I'd rather it didn't.
But frankly, I'm tired of crying myself to sleep, writing notes to myself on my computer, and self-mutilating myself (literally and figuratively).
I am depressed.
Not depressed as in 'I am sad'.
Those statements are conditional, temperamental ...
I have a disease. A chemical inbalance that forces me into the deepest forms of sadness one can experience, and keeps me there. A sadness so hard to thrust out of that smiling at myself in the mirror makes me cry and feel weak.
She is my burden. I attempt delusion, and try to pretend she isn't there.
I pretend that she doesn't sit on my shoulder and constantly whisper in my ears feelings of inadequacy - that she does not force me to repress my feelings to the point where I feel nothing beyond physical pain. Try as I might, I can not escape her.
Even in my desperate attempts to sleep, she follows me - forces me awake in the middle of the night; Breathing hard, sweating, and tears running down my face, I call out for someone to save me .... and no one ever responds. My screams echo against the walls and I'm forced to simply text him and hope he's awake ... that he'll care. And it never happens that way.
I don't expect it to.
The worst part : My sadness is not my own. It belongs to a person whom I'd rather admit to sharing nothing in common with. A person who explicitly admitted to hating me suffers the same fate as I, and for a much longer time. It drove him to hit me, to curse my name, to call me dishonest, to hate me, to seek solace in the Church, and especially so: it drove him to drink. I suppose I should be ... happy? Happy that someone who causes me such pain must suffer. I'm not though. Quite contrary, I feel selfish. Selfish because I only care about my fate and not about his. [shrug]
I wish that I could talk to him, and tell him that the help he needs can't be found in any book of rules, nor will it come from prayer. He wouldn't listen, and he'd probably call me a heathen. Oh, why doth thou wantest to waist thine time?
(+)
Lately, on my walks to school, I've been talking to myself the entire way.
And it has caused me to realize that being alone ... is a terrible thing for me.
Being alone causes my mind to wander to terribly dark places.
Places that seem to fade away when I'm talking to someone, or when surrounded by people in general.
I'm tired of talking.
Wednesday, October 29
Sunday, October 26
phantom.
It is beautiful to me how the unspoken has more impact on the human mind than what IS spoken.
A person could tell you that they love you, but if their actions tell quite the contrary, then you wouldn't believe them, would you?
Eh, just a thought.
Hm. I have tons of fucking homework to do.
It's just really hard to even get into the 'mood' to want to do them.
Everytime I get into the mindset to sit down and try to better my future, I realize that I'm probably ... much too late.
I've dug myself a hole so deep that it'll take more than my own efforts to get out.
I need a shovel and a helping hand, too. Take that metaphor as you will.
Blah!
I'm realizing the reason I haven't blogged lately is because I have too much to say.
Time to summarize, fuckahs~!
I really enjoy change.
And the outdoors.
[sigh]
I don't know where to end this .... or if it even truly began ...
"The true genius shudders at incompleteness - and usually prefers silence to saying something which is not everything it should be." - Edgar Allen Poe.
- Edit:
I truly wish I could forget what you've told me, amongst other things.
Alas, I can not. It invades my mind at the worst times and makes me question and analyze every action.
Your words are the song I've heard not but once and seemingly forget, only to have the tune run across my lips and the lyrics racking my brain.
I'll never forget what you told me, despite how much I try. :(
A person could tell you that they love you, but if their actions tell quite the contrary, then you wouldn't believe them, would you?
Eh, just a thought.
Hm. I have tons of fucking homework to do.
It's just really hard to even get into the 'mood' to want to do them.
Everytime I get into the mindset to sit down and try to better my future, I realize that I'm probably ... much too late.
I've dug myself a hole so deep that it'll take more than my own efforts to get out.
I need a shovel and a helping hand, too. Take that metaphor as you will.
Blah!
I'm realizing the reason I haven't blogged lately is because I have too much to say.
Time to summarize, fuckahs~!
- I started talking to a therapist last week (or so) and I really feel like she can help me, unlike those fuckers in the past. Yes, I'm calling you a fucker!
- Grades are due oh so very soon.
- I'm a blonde redheaded brunette now.
- In dying my hair, I realized I truly DON'T give a fuck what other have to say when it comes to my appearance. In showing Dexter my hair, I wanted his feedback but if he said it was ugly, I would have laughed it off and not gave a damn.
- Someone who I thought left MY life believes that I abandoned them and doesn't want to be friends with me anymore ... that shit stings. It truly does.
- On Friday, I went and saw a shitty movie called Saw 5 with my love and Ryan. Ryan is fucking heeeeeee-larious and I want him my life! As a regular, no homo.
- I hate inside jokes in large groups of people. I'm an avid abuser of the inside joke, but if there's a group of 15+ people and only 3 people know the joke, WHY THE FUCK YOU HOES MENTIONING IT, THEN SAYING 'INSIDE JOKE, LULZ!'?!?! Not to mention, why do people put 'inside joke' in their FB status? How many fuckers know what you're talking about, goddammit?!?!?
- My boyfriend is about to conquer the world. That's all I'll say on that.
- This English homework still hasn't been started ... Jeebus be damned.
- I truly wish you would just come out of the closet. It's starting to (frankly) piss me off that you're living a lie when EVERYONE knows the truth. It'd be different if only a few people had seen the light - no. You're the one in the dark, and you have absolutely no reason to be. No one would treat you differently and you have a fucking strong support system. Instead, you should to continually alienate yourself and continue to lie to yourself. Please, darling, get over yourselffffff.
I really enjoy change.
And the outdoors.
[sigh]
I don't know where to end this .... or if it even truly began ...
"The true genius shudders at incompleteness - and usually prefers silence to saying something which is not everything it should be." - Edgar Allen Poe.
- Edit:
I truly wish I could forget what you've told me, amongst other things.
Alas, I can not. It invades my mind at the worst times and makes me question and analyze every action.
Your words are the song I've heard not but once and seemingly forget, only to have the tune run across my lips and the lyrics racking my brain.
I'll never forget what you told me, despite how much I try. :(
Monday, October 20
ending of an era.
These are the notes I wrote to myself about my dream:
"My dream was about Dana and I being best friends, and we laughed it up and shit. Ibrahim threw up red [vomit]."
"We were in Mrs. Hyde's room and someone stole the grades. Philip threw up too, in the video."
I didn't write it down, but I remember being in the gym (St. Agatha's gym, to be specific) and for whatever reason, I felt like a whore. No one had treated me as such, but I just felt that way. I assume that something happened in my dream past that I either can't recall or didn't get to view. Anyway, we played basketball, and I remember the ball was too heavy for me to get into the hoop. So, I exchanged it for another and my gym teacher was Mr. Hudson. I got a much lighter ball, and every shot I made went in. Then I went to sit down, and a guy complimented me on my stomach. He told me it was nice, and one of the most toned stomachs he'd ever seen. But when I looked down, it was gelatinous ... bulbous, unattractive. And I asked him if he was making fun of me. He vehemently said no, but it was too late: I was self conscious and I thought he was making fun of me.
Fade out.
There was a second part of the dream, and I was at Renaissance. We were in Mr. Hudson's Physics class and Dana and I were extremely close. Close enough to touch each other when joking around, and we were laughing. Truly enjoying each other's company.
Then Mr. Hudson puts on a video of the football players, apparently at a game. [I assume because they had on their uniforms] But instead of them playing football in the video, they were all throwing up. And Ibrahim's vomit was completely red, and it flowed nearly like lava.
I don't remember the transition, but we ended up being in Ms. Hyde's class. Someone had stolen the grades, so the entire room was in pandemonium. Everyone was standing around, and there was pure chaos. For whatever reason, Philip Norris was in there. And just like in the video, he threw up in the classroom. His vomit was green. The disturbing part though, was that someone had made a comment about how Victoria wouldn't kiss him [since he had thrown up], but then his tongue 'unravelled' from his mouth and was inches down from his face, and Victoria's tongue did the same. Then they started making out. And I woke up.
Hm.
To see others vomiting in your dream, signifies false pretenses of people who try to take advantage of you.
To dream that you are fat, signifies a fortunate change in your life or you may be overindulgent. A more literal interpretation of this dream is your fears of gaining weight. You have an skewed perception of your own image which may stem from low self-esteem.
"My dream was about Dana and I being best friends, and we laughed it up and shit. Ibrahim threw up red [vomit]."
"We were in Mrs. Hyde's room and someone stole the grades. Philip threw up too, in the video."
I didn't write it down, but I remember being in the gym (St. Agatha's gym, to be specific) and for whatever reason, I felt like a whore. No one had treated me as such, but I just felt that way. I assume that something happened in my dream past that I either can't recall or didn't get to view. Anyway, we played basketball, and I remember the ball was too heavy for me to get into the hoop. So, I exchanged it for another and my gym teacher was Mr. Hudson. I got a much lighter ball, and every shot I made went in. Then I went to sit down, and a guy complimented me on my stomach. He told me it was nice, and one of the most toned stomachs he'd ever seen. But when I looked down, it was gelatinous ... bulbous, unattractive. And I asked him if he was making fun of me. He vehemently said no, but it was too late: I was self conscious and I thought he was making fun of me.
Fade out.
There was a second part of the dream, and I was at Renaissance. We were in Mr. Hudson's Physics class and Dana and I were extremely close. Close enough to touch each other when joking around, and we were laughing. Truly enjoying each other's company.
Then Mr. Hudson puts on a video of the football players, apparently at a game. [I assume because they had on their uniforms] But instead of them playing football in the video, they were all throwing up. And Ibrahim's vomit was completely red, and it flowed nearly like lava.
I don't remember the transition, but we ended up being in Ms. Hyde's class. Someone had stolen the grades, so the entire room was in pandemonium. Everyone was standing around, and there was pure chaos. For whatever reason, Philip Norris was in there. And just like in the video, he threw up in the classroom. His vomit was green. The disturbing part though, was that someone had made a comment about how Victoria wouldn't kiss him [since he had thrown up], but then his tongue 'unravelled' from his mouth and was inches down from his face, and Victoria's tongue did the same. Then they started making out. And I woke up.
Hm.
To see others vomiting in your dream, signifies false pretenses of people who try to take advantage of you.
To dream that you are fat, signifies a fortunate change in your life or you may be overindulgent. A more literal interpretation of this dream is your fears of gaining weight. You have an skewed perception of your own image which may stem from low self-esteem.
Sunday, October 19
nightvision!
Will you answer every question honestly?
I'll try.
Have you ever stayed up all night while drunk or high?
Almost.
Have you ever punched anyone in the face?
L-o-l, yes.
Do you miss anything or anyone?
:( Fuck you, survey.
What makes you laugh no matter what?
The thing Dexter does that I can't mention.
Have you kissed anyone on the lips within the past five hours?
No.
Who was the last person you talked to?
India.
What do you dislike at the moment?
Not having any drive or desire to go to school, not knowing where my future is headed, him not being here, tons of shit!
Name one person who is the most like you?
Hm.
Do you get butterflies around the guys/girls you like?
Not so much, because the butterflies I feel indicate uncomfortableness and a want to leave!
Do you think it is bad to have sex at your age?
I'm 17. It's nearly expected of me to be a dirty whore.
Will you get married?
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Will you be having sex in the near future?
It is plausible and probable.
Do you lie about your age?
I'll joke about it, but I can't remember a time when I truly needed to lie.
VERY PERSONAL.
Hypothetically, If you were to have sex right now, would you use a condom?
Yes, we would.
Are you happy with yourself?
Nope, and I don't have to be!
Would you change yourself for the person you love?
Change myself, how? If it was something personal, hell no. If it was something simple like him liking a certain nail color on me, then yes.
What do you tell yourself when times get hard?
I tell myself not a damn thing.
SECRETS.
When did you last cry?
I fought back tears a few days back.
Do you believe in religion?
It obviously exists, so I do believe in it. But I do not believe in its logic, or in its belief system, nor do I follow one.
When was the last time you fell asleep with someone of the opposite sex?
Last saturday.
What is the last lie you told your parents?
'It's nothing.'
Did you ever wish a close friend to death?
I don't wish it upon them, I just see it happening all the time.
Has a guy/girl ever seriously punched you more than once?
Fo srs? Nah.
Have you ever made out until you ran out of breath?
Hell no! I don't like dying!
Do you think you were ever in love?
Nope, I knows it.
Have you ever dated your friend’s ex?
On accidente, maybe.
Have you done bad things with your parents near by?
My mom being upstairs does not count as nearby.
Have you started a horrible rumor about somebody?
Yep.
Did you ever fail the school year?
No, I'm a straight-A student.
Have you ever done hallucinogenic drugs?
Ask yo daddy.
Have you ever been too drunk to remember a certain night?
Nope.
Do you think your future will be a good one?
If my future goes the way I want, then hell yes.
FACTS, YOU DIG?
Middle name?
Emmeline.
How big is your bed?
A twin that I don't fit into.
What are you listening to right now?
Nightvision by Daft Punk.
What are the last 4 digits in your cell phone number?
5999, no lie.
What was the last thing you ate?
Delicious pizza.
Last person you hugged?
Kieona, when she left this mawnin'.
How is the weather right now?
It looks sunny outside, so it must be freezing.
Who was the last person you talked to on the phone?
Dexter. :)
What is the first thing you notice in the opposite sex?
physically – shoes.
Otherwise - lips.
Favorite type of Food?
Cookies.
Do you want children?
Ask me in a decade.
Do you drink?
On occasion.
Ever get so drunk you don't remember the entire night?
Nope, nope.
Hair color?
Natural: dark chocolately brown that looks black. My color now is a mix of my natural and a beautiful red. And I shall be bronze soon!
Eye color?
Coffee bean.
....Do you wear contacts/glasses?
Both!
....Favorite holiday?
Speak Like a Pirate Day, yarrrrr.
Favorite Season?
Autumn.
Have you ever cried over a girl/boy?
Over them? No. Why would they sit there while my tears rain on them?
Last Movie you Watched?
Little Nicky.
What books are you reading?
School textbooks, Atlas Shrugged, The Importance of Being Earnest.
Piercings?
3 in my ears, more to come.
Favorite Movie?
American Beauty.
Favorite college football Team?
I don't watch college football ... or football at all. I'll just go out on a limb and say the parrots.
What were you doing before filling this out?
Checking my IM logs.
Any pets?
:(
Dogs or cats?
I JUST ANSWERED THIS!
Favorite Flower?
Lilies.
Have you ever loved someone?
Yes.
Who would you like to see right now?
Dexter, McKenzie, Keith, and Johnny Depp.
Have you ever fired a gun?
Naw.
Do you like to travel by plane?
What the fuck? Fucketh no.
Right-handed or Left-handed?
Ambidextrous.
If you could go to any place right now where would you go?
Australia.
Are you missing someone?
YES, GODDAMMIT. Btw, oops Britney Spears - just nutted on your dimple.
Do you have a tattoo?
Yarr.
Do you still watch cartoons on Saturday mornings?
:D
Are you hiding something from someone?
Yep.
I'll try.
Have you ever stayed up all night while drunk or high?
Almost.
Have you ever punched anyone in the face?
L-o-l, yes.
Do you miss anything or anyone?
:( Fuck you, survey.
What makes you laugh no matter what?
The thing Dexter does that I can't mention.
Have you kissed anyone on the lips within the past five hours?
No.
Who was the last person you talked to?
India.
What do you dislike at the moment?
Not having any drive or desire to go to school, not knowing where my future is headed, him not being here, tons of shit!
Name one person who is the most like you?
Hm.
Do you get butterflies around the guys/girls you like?
Not so much, because the butterflies I feel indicate uncomfortableness and a want to leave!
Do you think it is bad to have sex at your age?
I'm 17. It's nearly expected of me to be a dirty whore.
Will you get married?
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Will you be having sex in the near future?
It is plausible and probable.
Do you lie about your age?
I'll joke about it, but I can't remember a time when I truly needed to lie.
VERY PERSONAL.
Hypothetically, If you were to have sex right now, would you use a condom?
Yes, we would.
Are you happy with yourself?
Nope, and I don't have to be!
Would you change yourself for the person you love?
Change myself, how? If it was something personal, hell no. If it was something simple like him liking a certain nail color on me, then yes.
What do you tell yourself when times get hard?
I tell myself not a damn thing.
SECRETS.
When did you last cry?
I fought back tears a few days back.
Do you believe in religion?
It obviously exists, so I do believe in it. But I do not believe in its logic, or in its belief system, nor do I follow one.
When was the last time you fell asleep with someone of the opposite sex?
Last saturday.
What is the last lie you told your parents?
'It's nothing.'
Did you ever wish a close friend to death?
I don't wish it upon them, I just see it happening all the time.
Has a guy/girl ever seriously punched you more than once?
Fo srs? Nah.
Have you ever made out until you ran out of breath?
Hell no! I don't like dying!
Do you think you were ever in love?
Nope, I knows it.
Have you ever dated your friend’s ex?
On accidente, maybe.
Have you done bad things with your parents near by?
My mom being upstairs does not count as nearby.
Have you started a horrible rumor about somebody?
Yep.
Did you ever fail the school year?
No, I'm a straight-A student.
Have you ever done hallucinogenic drugs?
Ask yo daddy.
Have you ever been too drunk to remember a certain night?
Nope.
Do you think your future will be a good one?
If my future goes the way I want, then hell yes.
FACTS, YOU DIG?
Middle name?
Emmeline.
How big is your bed?
A twin that I don't fit into.
What are you listening to right now?
Nightvision by Daft Punk.
What are the last 4 digits in your cell phone number?
5999, no lie.
What was the last thing you ate?
Delicious pizza.
Last person you hugged?
Kieona, when she left this mawnin'.
How is the weather right now?
It looks sunny outside, so it must be freezing.
Who was the last person you talked to on the phone?
Dexter. :)
What is the first thing you notice in the opposite sex?
physically – shoes.
Otherwise - lips.
Favorite type of Food?
Cookies.
Do you want children?
Ask me in a decade.
Do you drink?
On occasion.
Ever get so drunk you don't remember the entire night?
Nope, nope.
Hair color?
Natural: dark chocolately brown that looks black. My color now is a mix of my natural and a beautiful red. And I shall be bronze soon!
Eye color?
Coffee bean.
....Do you wear contacts/glasses?
Both!
....Favorite holiday?
Speak Like a Pirate Day, yarrrrr.
Favorite Season?
Autumn.
Have you ever cried over a girl/boy?
Over them? No. Why would they sit there while my tears rain on them?
Last Movie you Watched?
Little Nicky.
What books are you reading?
School textbooks, Atlas Shrugged, The Importance of Being Earnest.
Piercings?
3 in my ears, more to come.
Favorite Movie?
American Beauty.
Favorite college football Team?
I don't watch college football ... or football at all. I'll just go out on a limb and say the parrots.
What were you doing before filling this out?
Checking my IM logs.
Any pets?
:(
Dogs or cats?
I JUST ANSWERED THIS!
Favorite Flower?
Lilies.
Have you ever loved someone?
Yes.
Who would you like to see right now?
Dexter, McKenzie, Keith, and Johnny Depp.
Have you ever fired a gun?
Naw.
Do you like to travel by plane?
What the fuck? Fucketh no.
Right-handed or Left-handed?
Ambidextrous.
If you could go to any place right now where would you go?
Australia.
Are you missing someone?
YES, GODDAMMIT. Btw, oops Britney Spears - just nutted on your dimple.
Do you have a tattoo?
Yarr.
Do you still watch cartoons on Saturday mornings?
:D
Are you hiding something from someone?
Yep.
Thursday, October 16
if i was your girlfriend.
It is lamentable to be in love with someone who does not love you.
I actually don't believe it's possible, really.
Love is a conditional thing that must be shared between two parties: whether these parties are two people, a person and a pet, or between two pets (you get my drift).
And if one of these parties does not reciprocate said love, then you two obviously aren't IN love, nor do you truly love it.
I believe it to be trickery.
You've tricked yourself into believing that you love something or someone, because you feel strongly about them.
Love is defined as a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person (or thing).
If the other party does not love you, what makes that tender?
If the other party does not love you, how can you possibly have PASSIONATE affection? Beyond that of lust, of course.
And unless we're referring to a religious love, or a familial love, then love (the true, unconditional love which I'm referring to) can only exist between two (or more) 'cooperate' people/things.
For example ....
If you claim to love your girlfriend, but she cheats on you at any moment opportune, is that love? I find it hard to believe that the girl can love you, if she can't even respect your relationship enough NOT to cheat on you. I find it hard to believe that she can truly love you deeply if she can't love herself, too. This is a perfect example of why love must be conditional. If only one person cares that deeply about the other, THEN HOW. THE FUCK. IS IT LOVE?!
You've heard the term 'We're in love.'
And the term 'I'm in love.'
But would the latter term be used if the person knew that their affections were their's alone? If they knew that the person they were 'in love' with, was not 'in love' with them?
I doubt it.
People trick themselves into believing so much.
They want so much to see what isn't there, that eventually they do.
Love is like a fucking placebo.
It's completely worthless until combined with something else, but Cupid's sitting around laughing at our ignorant asses responding before the 'something else' is added.
He has such a big job ahead of him, connecting people and whatnot.
Yet, he chooses to test us first.
For his own amusement.
No love bows with hearty love arrows until it's been proven we need that drug. The real thing. Not some over the counter, generic version of your medicine.
Love ain't Claritin. It's the cure for allergies.
I actually don't believe it's possible, really.
Love is a conditional thing that must be shared between two parties: whether these parties are two people, a person and a pet, or between two pets (you get my drift).
And if one of these parties does not reciprocate said love, then you two obviously aren't IN love, nor do you truly love it.
I believe it to be trickery.
You've tricked yourself into believing that you love something or someone, because you feel strongly about them.
Love is defined as a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person (or thing).
If the other party does not love you, what makes that tender?
If the other party does not love you, how can you possibly have PASSIONATE affection? Beyond that of lust, of course.
And unless we're referring to a religious love, or a familial love, then love (the true, unconditional love which I'm referring to) can only exist between two (or more) 'cooperate' people/things.
For example ....
If you claim to love your girlfriend, but she cheats on you at any moment opportune, is that love? I find it hard to believe that the girl can love you, if she can't even respect your relationship enough NOT to cheat on you. I find it hard to believe that she can truly love you deeply if she can't love herself, too. This is a perfect example of why love must be conditional. If only one person cares that deeply about the other, THEN HOW. THE FUCK. IS IT LOVE?!
You've heard the term 'We're in love.'
And the term 'I'm in love.'
But would the latter term be used if the person knew that their affections were their's alone? If they knew that the person they were 'in love' with, was not 'in love' with them?
I doubt it.
People trick themselves into believing so much.
They want so much to see what isn't there, that eventually they do.
Love is like a fucking placebo.
It's completely worthless until combined with something else, but Cupid's sitting around laughing at our ignorant asses responding before the 'something else' is added.
He has such a big job ahead of him, connecting people and whatnot.
Yet, he chooses to test us first.
For his own amusement.
No love bows with hearty love arrows until it's been proven we need that drug. The real thing. Not some over the counter, generic version of your medicine.
Love ain't Claritin. It's the cure for allergies.
Wednesday, October 15
can't stop this!
Oh Dexter, there are literally thousands of other men I should be with instead, but I'm 72 percent sure that I love you!
But yes, I am in love with a fellow who might not like jello, but always says hello. :)
He has perfect teeth even though he claims they were poopy at one time.
We both love MGMT, and he loves meeeeeeee, although I'll swear up and down I love him more.
He always smells nice, even though he claims he doesn't.
And we've only been together a short while, but I know that the universe has marked him as my equal and that we'll be together forever.
YOU KNOW WHY?!
BECAUSE WE'D MAKE A FUNNY ASS OLD COUPLE!
The universe knows this.
And it feels like we've been together for an extremely long time. (A good long time though, a great one really).
We only fought once, and we almost killed each other! But it was over something totally stupid, lol.
When I feel down, he feels down.
We share feelings in an odd way. It's not just expressed in words.
I seriously believe that I am Jonas and he is Gabriel.
We build forts still, like little kids!
And sleeping with him makes me forget about my problems.
Talking to him makes all my problems drip drop away.
& I never, ever want to be without him.
:)
But yes, I am in love with a fellow who might not like jello, but always says hello. :)
He has perfect teeth even though he claims they were poopy at one time.
We both love MGMT, and he loves meeeeeeee, although I'll swear up and down I love him more.
He always smells nice, even though he claims he doesn't.
And we've only been together a short while, but I know that the universe has marked him as my equal and that we'll be together forever.
YOU KNOW WHY?!
BECAUSE WE'D MAKE A FUNNY ASS OLD COUPLE!
The universe knows this.
And it feels like we've been together for an extremely long time. (A good long time though, a great one really).
We only fought once, and we almost killed each other! But it was over something totally stupid, lol.
When I feel down, he feels down.
We share feelings in an odd way. It's not just expressed in words.
I seriously believe that I am Jonas and he is Gabriel.
We build forts still, like little kids!
And sleeping with him makes me forget about my problems.
Talking to him makes all my problems drip drop away.
& I never, ever want to be without him.
:)
Tuesday, October 14
of moons, birds, and monsters.
So, I had two dreams last night that I can effortlessly recall into memory.
The first involved Philip. We were sitting at my home, watching TV and then after a few hours, he had to leave.
At this point, we gave each other our hugs and said goodbye.
But, when I gave him a hug, I ended up being in my underwear, somehow.
And I wasn't uncomfortable, probably because my conscious knows that I'm always naked in front of others.
So, as we're hugging, a tension grows in between us and we look into each other's faces.
Then, full blown, start making out. Hard.
Dream Khloe and Dream Philip were both fully aware that Dexter and I were together, but they ignored it.
It got to the point where we were making out in my hallway, and fell down with me on top.
At which point I asked if he had condoms, and he said no, to which I shrugged and pulled his pants down.
He said "KHLOE, WHAT'RE YOU DOING?!?!?!"
Something about his tone made me completely stop and get out of the mindframe.
And then I said "God, this was a joke! Geez!!"
Then we both got up and put our clothes on.
And Philip starts talking to me about how he knows that I wasn't joking around, and that I had a lot of pent up sexual frustration.
He said he'd rather it 'came out' on him then someone else. I kept denying it, saying that I was joking.
I then open the door for him to leave my house, and I see someone on my front grass, looking menacing with a giant shovel, stabbing it into the grass.
The man was screaming about how he was going to 'get' someone, and I started shouting at Philip to come back.
(It was raining heavily and dark outside. Not the dark of storm, but the dark of night.)
But, it was as if Philip couldn't hear me at all and just kept walking towards the man. And he faded out of the dream.
Then, the man runs to my door and I lock it as quickly as possible, when he politely says 'Just couldn't find my keys!" in a deep southern accent.
I still kept the door locked, though, just smiled and laughed. And then a bright green beetle pulls up on the grass.
And who's inside?
Melan and Kieona.
I let them into the house, so we can all chill.
But these are not Kieona and Melan.
They're Dream Kieona and Dream Melan. Really, just quite fucking annoying.
They KEPT opening the blinds after I told them not to, and they kept eating all of my food.
And somehow, it had become 4am. But, it was bright and sunny outside.
It was still 4am though, and that was not an acceptable time for them to be over.
So, I kept asking them to leave so that I didn't get in trouble with my mom (why she wasn't home at 4am, I'll never know. Part of my mind said that it must have been because she was flying to Arizona the next day and I just forgot. Strange that Dream Khloe processed this, considering that's a very conscious belief.) but they simply refused.
I was forced to physically kick them out. And I looked Kieona in her eyes, and she was crying serious tears.
And it pissed me off.
I started shouting at her. "YOU THINK THIS IS A BIG ENOUGH FUCKING DEAL TO CRY ABOUT?!?! I'M TRYING TO SAVE MYSELF FROM GETTING PUNCHED, AND SAVING YOU GUYS FROM GETTING PUNCHED!!" Nothing I did could assuage her. They left, and she was still crying.
Then, my mom runs in the side door and screams: "WHO WAS THAT AND WHY WERE THEY HERE?!"
To which I began to cry and tell her that I kept trying to make them leave.
But, she said "Was that Kieona?"
I nodded my head.
She smiled, said okay, and left.
The entire time, though, she had on a cloak and her hair wasn't done. It was wet, as if she had literally jumped home from the beauty parlor.
Hm.
The first involved Philip. We were sitting at my home, watching TV and then after a few hours, he had to leave.
At this point, we gave each other our hugs and said goodbye.
But, when I gave him a hug, I ended up being in my underwear, somehow.
And I wasn't uncomfortable, probably because my conscious knows that I'm always naked in front of others.
So, as we're hugging, a tension grows in between us and we look into each other's faces.
Then, full blown, start making out. Hard.
Dream Khloe and Dream Philip were both fully aware that Dexter and I were together, but they ignored it.
It got to the point where we were making out in my hallway, and fell down with me on top.
At which point I asked if he had condoms, and he said no, to which I shrugged and pulled his pants down.
He said "KHLOE, WHAT'RE YOU DOING?!?!?!"
Something about his tone made me completely stop and get out of the mindframe.
And then I said "God, this was a joke! Geez!!"
Then we both got up and put our clothes on.
And Philip starts talking to me about how he knows that I wasn't joking around, and that I had a lot of pent up sexual frustration.
He said he'd rather it 'came out' on him then someone else. I kept denying it, saying that I was joking.
I then open the door for him to leave my house, and I see someone on my front grass, looking menacing with a giant shovel, stabbing it into the grass.
The man was screaming about how he was going to 'get' someone, and I started shouting at Philip to come back.
(It was raining heavily and dark outside. Not the dark of storm, but the dark of night.)
But, it was as if Philip couldn't hear me at all and just kept walking towards the man. And he faded out of the dream.
Then, the man runs to my door and I lock it as quickly as possible, when he politely says 'Just couldn't find my keys!" in a deep southern accent.
I still kept the door locked, though, just smiled and laughed. And then a bright green beetle pulls up on the grass.
And who's inside?
Melan and Kieona.
I let them into the house, so we can all chill.
But these are not Kieona and Melan.
They're Dream Kieona and Dream Melan. Really, just quite fucking annoying.
They KEPT opening the blinds after I told them not to, and they kept eating all of my food.
And somehow, it had become 4am. But, it was bright and sunny outside.
It was still 4am though, and that was not an acceptable time for them to be over.
So, I kept asking them to leave so that I didn't get in trouble with my mom (why she wasn't home at 4am, I'll never know. Part of my mind said that it must have been because she was flying to Arizona the next day and I just forgot. Strange that Dream Khloe processed this, considering that's a very conscious belief.) but they simply refused.
I was forced to physically kick them out. And I looked Kieona in her eyes, and she was crying serious tears.
And it pissed me off.
I started shouting at her. "YOU THINK THIS IS A BIG ENOUGH FUCKING DEAL TO CRY ABOUT?!?! I'M TRYING TO SAVE MYSELF FROM GETTING PUNCHED, AND SAVING YOU GUYS FROM GETTING PUNCHED!!" Nothing I did could assuage her. They left, and she was still crying.
Then, my mom runs in the side door and screams: "WHO WAS THAT AND WHY WERE THEY HERE?!"
To which I began to cry and tell her that I kept trying to make them leave.
But, she said "Was that Kieona?"
I nodded my head.
She smiled, said okay, and left.
The entire time, though, she had on a cloak and her hair wasn't done. It was wet, as if she had literally jumped home from the beauty parlor.
Hm.
Monday, October 13
crazy for you.
So, this is the temporary layout.
Like it?
I don't particularly care, since, as I said: it's temporary.
I'll fully blog later.
Like it?
I don't particularly care, since, as I said: it's temporary.
I'll fully blog later.
Sunday, October 5
dickhead.
ahmad's house is coolayo.
and so far, i'm better at being happy.
but then again, i have school tomorrow.
sucks balls.
!
and so far, i'm better at being happy.
but then again, i have school tomorrow.
sucks balls.
!
Friday, October 3
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