grey matter.

My DS came! My sudoku skills have improved massively in the last 24 hours. :)

A ghost reads my blog.
A ghost reads it the most.

life support.

I went to bed to calm my head, yet only woke up to be angry instead.
Mental breakdowns have become frequent in this household. I just lay on the floor and wrap the blankets around my head, then scream as if no one is there; it is an actual rarity for someone to ever be there.
And last night, words reverberated against my skull.
"I`ll always be there for you. No matter what."
So many people have said that to me, and I'm sure most thought they meant it.
But relationships change with the weather, and no one who had opened their arms and ears for me could be found. I called not a soul to hear my weakness. Instead, I wished for one thing ... For one single person who had promised me that they would also care for me, and always 'check' on me, would call me instead. For one moment, a single person would care more about the promise they made to me than to their own lives. It's asking for a lot, I know. But in that moment, that's all I needed. A single call, a single TEXT even, with someone worried about me (I've heard that distress can be felt amongst those closest to you).


Not a single person called.

inhuman.

Lately, it seems that everyone has come down with bouts of nostalgia, including myself. Unfortunately, I'm not quite sure what this is ... or if it even is nostalgia. We rode bikes to my 'old house' today, and a wave of sadness crashed down upon me. This was me, my old family. This was before my dad retired, and before he divorced my step-mom then made us move away. That was before my next-door neighbors killed our dog and before our other next door neighbor (Janet) built six new fences. Those are the general memories; they're vivid and bright. Other memories don't come in so brightly. They're hazy and gray, and some details seem as though I might be making them up. Where did Ashley take me that time? All I remember is a long bike ride, with a giant hill, and guys. I can't remember what made me stay away from that block, but when I think of it, the sounds of children making fun of me is there. I don't know if it is a real memory or fabricated. But, those are the memories and the times I want to return to. Not the vivid, hurtful memories, but the ones that I can't seem to see completely.

I am nostalgic for things that may not exist.
I am nostalgic for times that I may have fabricated in my mind.
Hmph.

Khloe Emmeline.

just came to a very troubling and disheartening conclusion about her life. Fuck it, like Thailand.


Many have asked what my status pertained to. It's just about how I view myself. Some people have the pleasure of looking in the mirror and loving what they see; walking out of the house on clouds that hover about the ground. I've never been that way, and after about thirty minutes, I realized ... I'll never be that way. I'm never going to look into the mirror and see someone beautiful, someone deserving of love. I'm never going to stop trying to lose that last five pounds. It's depressing to think of going the rest of my life without ever finding myself attractive. It seems like such a "teenage" problem. But, we live in a pretty shallow society where nearly everything is focused upon how you look. If you're cute, you can get discounts for movies. If you're a hot mamacita (LOL), you can get into the movies for free, and flirt your way out of speeding tickets.


Normally, I'd try and find some solution for this. But lately, it all seems like just another one of my many quirks.

d-d-dora!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fl4-v9Om7K4&feature=dir

New Dora is an absolute outrage! Yes, it's all just a cartoon and yadda yadda yadda. But, young girls (and boys) do look up to this fictional character and have built a role model out of her. She has been transformed from an adventurous, bilingual, fun loving explorer to a prissy-priss, girly girl. She doesn't even have a backpack anymore! What typing of damn explorer has no backpack?! To me, it's just encouraging stereotypes/expectations about women - to always be pretty. The tramp is supposed to be nine, yet she has lipgloss on! And eyeliner! BWAHHHHHHHHHH!

the people.

People are absolutely fascinating creatures. We need social interaction to survive, and yet at nearly every opportunity, we push ourselves further away from each other. We need that interaction so much that we'll fuck up nearly everything else we have to continue it.

I hate commercials that are seemingly targeted directly towards women, or African-American people.

Reality TV shows are such an addiction. They present people that we can make judgements about and feel close to, all from the comfort of our couches. But the history channel is oh so very sexual. If only I could find the TV guide to figure out what channel it is on U-Verse. :(

Bike riding and exercising is amazing and makes me feel better about myself.

I am jealous of her without proper reasoning. At least I'll admit it?

Open up the sky; this mess is getting high. It's windy and her family needs a ride. I know we'll be just fine when we learn to love the ride. United States of Tara is the shit.

It is time to move on. Although I keep telling myself this, I still find myself buying into the lies I weave. You are hilarious, woman.

My self-esteem tanks daily. No amount of makeup could possibly make me feel more beautiful in my own skin, yet I continue to buy it.

There's a short story in production [due to my creative writing class] called 'Bug'. It's clever. Ms. Cox has inspired me, even if she didn't go about it in the greatest of methods. I've stopped making excuses in that class and have been so determined to prove her wrong that maybe ... I've missed the fact that she wasn't wrong about me at all. I do need to learn self-discipline.

My damn throat hurts.

make my day.

You aren't listening to me, just like everyone else.

Well alright.

why?

Why do old ass men consistently honk their horns at young girls?
Meaning ... girls who obviously look like they can't smoke, drink ... girls that look too young to do much of anything.
It makes me wonder ... do these men really think that this YOUNG ASS GIRL is going to head to the car of some octogenarian? And if this girl actually did want to 'take it there' with Oldie, how would he respond?

more to life.

Piglets are the cutest things ever.
Stacie Orrico's 'More to Life' has been my anthem for the past few days.
There's gotta be more to life than chasing up every temporary high, to satisfy me. There's gotta be more than wanting more.
The more I look at my life, and how every twist and turn leads me down another path ... I really hope there's so much more than what has been revealed to me. There needs to be more than this bullshit I'm seeing right now. Eventually, people will be honest ... right? Eventually, we'll stop hiding our feelings ... eventually, we'll all .... stop wishing for things that'll never be. Most of my friends will head off to college this summer, and as much I'd like to do the same, I can't bring myself to. It seems like life is overall ... preparation. Preparation for living, as backwards/paradoxical as that seems. We're taught to go through our lives without question. Go to preschool! Go to elementary! Go to middle school! Go to high school! Get good grades! Go to college! Get a degree in a profession that'll make you tons of money! Save, invest! Get a stable career! Blah blah blah. If the entire planet were obliterated, none of those things would matter. It wouldn't matter how much your income was, or what degree you had, or how many people liked you. It wouldn't matter how many debates you won, or what dress you wore to prom. Eh. That's an awfully depressing thought. Just because everything could come crashing down instantly is no justification for not trying your hardest.


Unnecessarily personal detail: I have difficulty believing in the intimacy of families, as my family is completely fucked up and laughs in the face of 'closeness'. We have familial claustrophobia.