seal jubilee.

So, I finally saw Juno.
^_^
And now I'd really like a fucking pipe.
I'd always have it with me.
It'd be a signature piece, along with my white nails.

I have a lotttttttttttttt to speak on, but I don't even know where to begin.
I'll pick one topic ... thinkkkkkkkkkkkk.

Hm, I'm noticing that I'm keeping way too much in.
It's beginning to cause my physical pain.
Only one person really knows what I "go through", and that's only because I trust him enough to pour everything into him, and I'm even hesitant to tell him everything.
It's apparently making people feel distanced from me, and I'm realizing that I'm intentionally distancing people from me.
I just feel like people would be better off if they knew less about me.
Which brings in my father ...
He keeps jumping in and out of my fucking brain.
I keep wishing that I could wake up late, around 7:40 and him calling me, complaining about how he had been sitting in the driveway for 20 minutes, and how I knew that was a lie, and we'd argue about it, but I'd still get to school roughly on time anyway.
And I keep wishing that I'd have a ride home from school, even if that ride came at 7:00 pm.
And even if sometimes that ride didn't tell me that he wasn't coming until it was too late, and I'd cry the entire way home.
I would rather have that again than have this nothingness.
I would rather have that tricked sense of security than to know that I have none.
Truly, I wish it were a year ago.
I would lie and say that I'd give up everything I have now if I could just ... have that one wish come true, but dammit, that'd be a lie.

Blah.
For those out of the "know" (which is practically everyone):
On Tuesday, I will be examined by a psychiatrist who will then prescribe me medication for a chemical imbalance. Apparently, I have lost my ability to function because of this imbalance! Hoo-fuckin-rah.