I can't explain my actions anymore.
And this is about to get extremely personal - to a degree that I'd rather it didn't.
But frankly, I'm tired of crying myself to sleep, writing notes to myself on my computer, and self-mutilating myself (literally and figuratively).
I am depressed.
Not depressed as in 'I am sad'.
Those statements are conditional, temperamental ...
I have a disease. A chemical inbalance that forces me into the deepest forms of sadness one can experience, and keeps me there. A sadness so hard to thrust out of that smiling at myself in the mirror makes me cry and feel weak.
She is my burden. I attempt delusion, and try to pretend she isn't there.
I pretend that she doesn't sit on my shoulder and constantly whisper in my ears feelings of inadequacy - that she does not force me to repress my feelings to the point where I feel nothing beyond physical pain. Try as I might, I can not escape her.
Even in my desperate attempts to sleep, she follows me - forces me awake in the middle of the night; Breathing hard, sweating, and tears running down my face, I call out for someone to save me .... and no one ever responds. My screams echo against the walls and I'm forced to simply text him and hope he's awake ... that he'll care. And it never happens that way.
I don't expect it to.
The worst part : My sadness is not my own. It belongs to a person whom I'd rather admit to sharing nothing in common with. A person who explicitly admitted to hating me suffers the same fate as I, and for a much longer time. It drove him to hit me, to curse my name, to call me dishonest, to hate me, to seek solace in the Church, and especially so: it drove him to drink. I suppose I should be ... happy? Happy that someone who causes me such pain must suffer. I'm not though. Quite contrary, I feel selfish. Selfish because I only care about my fate and not about his. [shrug]
I wish that I could talk to him, and tell him that the help he needs can't be found in any book of rules, nor will it come from prayer. He wouldn't listen, and he'd probably call me a heathen. Oh, why doth thou wantest to waist thine time?
(+)
Lately, on my walks to school, I've been talking to myself the entire way.
And it has caused me to realize that being alone ... is a terrible thing for me.
Being alone causes my mind to wander to terribly dark places.
Places that seem to fade away when I'm talking to someone, or when surrounded by people in general.
I'm tired of talking.
6 comments:
I really wish that I say something to make you feel better and spare you the pains of depression, I really do, but I absolutely no clue....Sorry for this waste of a comment.
as much as i would love to write something deep and profound, i cant because while i sometimes feel these things. im sure its only a minute portion of what you feel and im at an almost lost for words (sans these and the ones before it)
With words coming from pain you elaborate seamlessly into a profound sense of comfort shared to others. A way that I certainly cant (and will not) try to explain any more so than that. What I do want to let you know is that what you go through now is not uncommon. In fact, if Dex hasnt already told you ...I too suffer from manic depression beyond measure. You feel as if you cup is either half empty or full. Kinda makes you look looney as fuck towards the "outer" world. You know, those fucks who think they know it all. But no one knows whats wrong; no one can actually swoop down and save you. Its a pretty harsh reality but until you grip it and thrown your middle figure up in its face, nothing will change. The planet will keep spinning and you will only stand still, emotionally floating.
In other words...take it from me; accept the bullshit for what it is and let it commit suicide. Bullshit will never be killed. And yes, that was not the "simplest" way to say it but Im sure you know how to get it.
{x}
I know people say this a lot, but I really do mean it; I'm always around to talk, day or night. I'm a college student, I don't get much sleep, and if you texted me in class I'd wanna kiss you.
So DO IT.
I think you forgets sometimes that
YOU'SZ MY BAY (& that we're well pas the sayings of 'no homo').
You really can talk to me about everything, even though I know you don't!
I'd listen and criticize with lubb :) .
Don't be letting bullshit run your life. YOU RUN IT.
I call it the abyss.
I need my existence, and especially my existence in the hearts of others, to be confirmed when I plummet.
If your version requires the same, feel free to text me, although I don't have a strong signal in many places on campus.
Hang in there in the first months of your antidepressant use. I hear it can be a bitch, although I never chose that route for myself.
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