fade to black.

berris flemmings.
he doesn't get to be 'berries' or 'very berry' anymore.
i have lost that person as a friend, and i'm not gonna try and hide it anymore.
our relationship is in such an extreme disarray of fuckitude that i can't even care.
i have too many personal issues to work out to be concerned with this, as egotistical as it sounds.
whether you accept it or not (all my money's on the latter), i don't think we (you) know how to have just a FRIENDSHIP with me. yeah, you say that you miss the being friends and not the 'few times we made out and occassional flirting' but beyond that, what do we REALLY have?
our closeness is the child of our "private" conversations (i use private loosely because you tell christian/someone everything) and a child of the flirting! if we had never EVER had any chance of being anything more than friends, would we still be close? the question is rhetorically hypothetical, but to me the answer is a big whopping no. it's evident. we aren't close now and haven't been for the last few months because of what exactly? could it be the absence of us being able to casually flirt with each other? IS THAT IT?!?? logic, m'dear.

talking to someone was supposed to be this giant helpful 'be all, end all' of my insanity.
unfortunately, it made things worse than they were before.
i'm even more reluctant to talk to anyone now.
my "therapist" said that i was annointed and that i had powers.
:
now, i'm not one who doesn't believe that we all have special gifts and believes that i have been blessed with a higher degree of sensory perception than others but ....
THE POINT IS: YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO FUCKING HELP ME.
I DON'T NEED YOU TEACHING ME HOW TO CONTROL MY "POWERS".
I NEEDED YOU TO FUCKING HELP ME STOP TRYING TO KILL MYSELF.
I NEEDED YOU TO EXPLAIN TO ME WHY I'M SO ANGRY AND FRUSTRATED ALL THE TIME, OR WHY I'M PRONE TO CHRONIC PANIC ATTACKS, OR WHY I CONNECT WITH PEOPLE BEST WHEN I TOUCH THEM, OR WHY OH FUCKING WHY I SUFFER FROM HEADACHES WHEN I LET MY MIND WANDER. OR MAYBE, I NEEDED YOU TO TELL ME WHY I WANDER AROUND AIMLESSLY, AND WHY I HAVE TO RESTRAIN MYSELF FROM DOING SO.
i needed you to tell me that i was right, or wrong, or normal or abnormal.
i needed help and i got .... you.
i need so much more from my relationships, and i got you.

lately, i find myself talking to myself no matter what.
right now, i'm having a fucking conversation with myself.
that shouldn't be strange, but it is.
i haven't blogged in so long because i'm so angry, i end up slamming my hands against the keys and running off to go break things.

my dad is dead to my soul.
but my brain still wonders why i have to beg him to love me.
or why i never got that dad that took me out to do things i liked.
instead, i get the dad who hit me.
who drank until there was nothing left to drink.
who didn't like me, nor love me.
who would rather watch me suffer than watch me excel.
the one who waited in the rain to tell my boyfriend at the time to break up with me.
the one who nearly broke my fingers for hiding carrots in the couch.
i get the dad whose home i was left at, after my mom figured i didn't know who he was.
i get that guy.

wuddahfest 08.
i don't really have words for it.
[shrug]
i'll be good enough one day.

i need a kitten.

i read her blogs almost religiously.
and i'm glad it's on the table now.
i'm glad that he knows i read them.
i just wish he knew how much i liked her.
and how amazing i assume she is.
and how beautiful i found her.
or, how i wish that she knew me.
and how i wonder if she even cares who i am.
e-stalking is absolutely terrible and beautiful in that way.
but i like her.
and ever since i found her, i always have.
but i'm afraid if he knew, he'd remember all of these things.
he'd remember why he love(s/d) her.
and that'd be the end for me.
insert heartbeat.
insert flash.
insert conciliation.

most people have become tramps to me.
the ones i like i'm too dependent upon.
insert fading to black.

the universe is on my side.
but the world won't give me a chance.